Changed forever....

That's what he has done, he has changed me forever. Instead of feeling anxiety in my chest,I feel the Joy God has put in my heart. Everyday I smile and thank God for this wonderful feeling of joy and nobody is gonna steal my joy. I no longer will be letting the devil work his way back into my heart.

FEAR....

I have a group of friends that I am in a bible study with. The past 5 weeks or so we have been studying issues that a lot of women have. For example : control issues, insecurity, comparison and fear are just a few issues some of us woman have. I have learned a lot through this study, not about just me but also about my friends in this group. You know one thing I learned? I am not the only one who struggles with some issues. Thank goodness!  :)

My biggest issue that I have is fear. I already knew I had a fear of heights. Just the other day our family went to a college big ten basketball game. As we are making our way up to our seats I notice my husband going higher and higher up. I had to stop at one point. My legs were shaking, my heart was racing, I was sweating, I was getting nausea  and I actually started tearing up. I didn't feel secure and I was having a full blown anxiety attack. I was too far up in the stadium and I was scared to death. By the time I finally got to the seats my husband looks at me and asks "are you ok?" Um, NO!! There was no way I was going to be able to sit there and watch that game. Thankfully we moved down about 20 rows. It was still high but not as high and I felt more secure.

During this bible study I learned fear of heights is not my only fear. I also have a fear of failure and rejection. I don't like to fail at anything. I mean honestly who does. I always put 100% into everything I do and when I fail at something I get mad at myself. I also don't like to be rejected by people. Feeling like someone is mad at me or doesn't like me just breaks my heart. I will be the first to tell you I am very sensitive and I get my feelings hurt very easy. But along this journey with Christ I have learned :
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore i will not fear. "
Psalm 46:1-2

My Story....

Hello, welcome to my first blog. I am by no means a writer. But I wanted some place to jot down my thoughts, prayers and scriptures as I take this spiritual journey with God. I have a christian friend that says everyone has a story. But I don’t feel like I have a story. There was a time in my life I got really sick and was in the hospital for 6 days and the doctors gave me only 10% chance of making it. I had prayer chains all over praying for me. I had people coming into the hospital and praying over me. By the grace of God I survived, but it didn’t make me run back to God. We all have a time in our life that we fall away from God. This was our time. We were caught up in life. My son was competing in karate and playing hockey and it consumed us. We just didn’t have time. But if I am going to have a story I guess you could say it started when my dad got sick with cancer. He first had colon cancer. He went through chemo and radiation, then surgery to remove what was left. He kicked that cancers butt. He was cancer free for 5 yrs before he was diagnosed again with cancer. This time it was oral cancer. This time it was a much more aggressive cancer than before. This time he had a rough road ahead of him. This cancer took all he had. It took its toll on the entire family. We all had a long road ahead of us. Chemo and radiation only shrunk it. Surgery to remove what they could. Leaving him swollen and unable to speak. Me being the only one who could read his lips to tell what he was trying to say. To him only having  2 weeks when he felt good and that evil cancer came right back and this time they couldn’t get it all out and it had already moved to more places. Before we knew it we lost my Dad right before Christmas 2013.

Needless to say I was confused, angry and hurting. I have never lost someone so close to me. I had lost two grandma’s before him but that’s nothing compared to a girl loosing her Daddy. He was my dad and I was his baby girl no matter how old I got. He still always called me his baby girl. Just weeks before we lost him while he was in hospice care he wrote on a white board to my mom. “Where is my baby girl, I miss her.” So for me this was really hard. For a year after his passing I was continually up and down with emotions. For people who know me and might be reading this, I keep my emotions to myself. I bottle everything up and keep it inside. Then when I am alone I loose it. I was a mess. I decided one day enough was enough. If I ever wanted to see my dad and grandparents again I needed to get myself together and let God take over my life. I needed to take my grief and suffering and give it to God.  I decided to visit my mom’s church one Sunday. I instantly fell in love with this church. I wanted more. I wanted to hear more of what pastor Steve had to say. I then started to read more of the bible and I just couldn’t get enough.  Now don’t get me wrong we used to go to church. My husband’s dad is a preacher. My parents took me to church when we were kids. My first date with my husband was to church. So I am all familiar with church. But I had fallen away. Like most of us do at some point in our life. But this new joy that I had was different this time around. This time my heart and soul ached to learn so much of what the Bible had to offer. I started reading scriptures about how to deal with grief. It really helped me heal, along with going to church every week. So it was the passing of my dad that brought me back to church. When I think about it, I can’t believe it took loosing my dad for me to finally come crawling back to God. So I guess that’s my story.  If you want to say I have a story.

So join with me if you want in my spiritual journey and how everyday he brings joy into my life.  :)